Let me start by saying that this is not easy to talk about.......I have never really shared this part of me with anyone but my husband. (Poor guy) I was thinking that there has got to be more than just me that feels this way so I should share! So here goes.......
That has been the title of the sermon each week at church! So far he has touched on giving up, temptation and this week was tests......how the Lord tests us and Satan tempts us! He gave us tips on winning the war in your head and all of those tips are really found in one amazing book! The Bible!
Sometimes my head is my biggest battle! I have battled a war in my head pretty much my whole life. I can know something to be true and good but my head can tell me something else. I have always battled the devil whispering to me that I am not good enough at anything or deserving at something......it's gotten worse the older I have gotten!
I am not good enough.
I am not loved by my husband.
I am not skinny and may never be.
I am not pretty.
I am not a good mother.
I am not a good daughter/daughter in law.
I am not a good wife.
I am not a good friend.
I am not smart.
I am clumsy.
I am not a good Christian.
I can't do this.
I can't do that.
I worry about what others think of me.
I worry about my kids....their future, their choices, the failures, you name it.
I worry about almost everything.
I have anxiety. I am good at hiding it sometimes but it's always there! This to has gotten really bad the last five years or so.
And probably a lot more things I can't think of right now...........
You name it and I have thought it about myself and you tell me about something I will worry the socks off of it. BUT..... and this will sound weird......I have always been a confident person to others.....or at least appear that way. I only battle myself and my own mind.
I am the least confident when it comes to my husband. I don't know why. He's a wonderful husband that has never done anything to make me feel that way but I guess coming from a divorced family the devil knows how to play with my thoughts and my mind! I am always waiting for him to leave. I know that I drive him crazy sometimes with my thoughts and worries but he always seems to have the right words or scripture to calm my worry at that time.
SO....I tell you all of this to also tell you what I am learning and how I am working at winning this battle within.
First- I am reading the word almost every day. I look up scriptures about worry and anxiety and I read all I can on how to win this battle through his Word and promises to us!
Second- I am working out! I have NEVER worked out like I am doing at this time. While I may not be skinny or fit YET I feel more confident in myself. I tell myself each day that I am closer then I was yesterday. I firmly believe that exercise brings out the happy endorphins and I promise you it is a feeling you will love! Try it!
I crave my gym time.! I want to be strong, I want to reach my fitness goals and even beyond! I want to not worry about what my hubby thinks when he looks at my body but most of all I want to love my body! I want hubby to be proud of the hard work I put in to look good for him! (I know he already is because he tells me BUT I long for the day that I am just maintaining my rock hard body!!! LOL)
Let's face it.....I know being skinny isn't everything but it sure feels good to wear whatever you want! It does NOT feel good to go shop for something to wear to an event only to come home depressed. I am sick of those days for sure!
Third- I have changed my eating habits. This is going to help me loose weight and just be healthier all around! In turn I am instilling this into my kids and hubby! Praise- the other day we were coming home from my moms and my boys wanted Jack in The Box so I got them two tacos each and they couldn't eat them! They threw them away because we don't eat fast food anymore so now it's gross to us!
Fourth (Not really 4th)- I pray! I pray pray pray!!!! I rebuke the bad thought the minute it enters my mind. (I am not alway successful at rebuking it but a lot of times I am!) I try to replace it with something good. A good memory or a good thought or a scripture that speaks to me!
Am I winning yet? No! Am I trying? Yes! But I will tell you it's an everyday battle but one that I will win!